republican idiocracy

I think they'll get lost in the woods and have to eat one of the Gosselin kids

2010-12-14T14:53:00.000-08:00

"The Palins and the Gosselins are going camping together on 'Sarah Palin's Alaska.' I think they'll get lost in the woods and have to eat one of the Gosselin kids." –Jimmy Kimmel   

"Supporters of WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange have been targeting Sarah Palin's accounts. They figured out her password, which was 'Palin2012.' They got it on the first guess." –Jimmy Kimmel   

"Sarah Palin is going to Haiti this weekend to deliver humanitarian aid. If there's one thing that's reassuring, it's seeing Sarah Palin above you in a helicopter." –Jimmy Fallon  

John Hulse painting

All suspicious charges to her account can be refundiated

2010-12-13T16:28:00.000-08:00

"Do you know that President Obama is into re-gifting? In fact, he just gave the Republicans the tax cuts he inherited from President Bush." –Jay Leno  

"According to WikiLeaks, the airing of American TV shows in the Middle East is helping to stop Islamic extremism. Would-be terrorists watch our reality shows and realize they've already won." –Conan O'Brien  

"WikiLeaks supporters have hacked into Sarah Palin's credit card information after she criticized Julian Assange. Sarah said she's very upset, and hopes all suspicious charges to her account can be refundiated." –Jimmy Fallon

John Hulse painting

This time of year Cheney’s up in Whoville, stealing Christmas

2010-12-13T16:19:00.000-08:00

"On Sarah Palin’s next show she gets together with Kate Gosselin and her kids. This may be the biggest meeting of media whores since Michael and Dina Lohan got together to conceive Lindsay." –Jimmy Kimmel   

"So it’s Bush tax cuts for two more years, and then it’ll be up to President Palin." –David Letterman  

"Nigeria has issued an arrest warrant for Dick Cheney. Good luck serving that this time of year. Cheney’s up in Whoville, stealing Christmas." –Jay Leno  

John Hulse painting

Politicians shooting reindeer to death two weeks before Christmas

2010-12-10T14:21:00.000-08:00

"Sarah Palin shot a reindeer on the last episode of her show. You don't typically see politicians shooting reindeer to death two weeks before Christmas." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Part-time Governor Sarah Palin shot and killed a reindeer on last week’s TV show. And that was her Christmas special. Took her three shots. Well, she’s rusty. Last thing she brought down was John McCain." –David Letterman  

"President Obama has extended the Bush-era tax cuts. Great. Let's extend the policies of the guy who gave us the greatest recession in the history of the planet." –David Letterman  

John Hulse painting

It’s so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate

2010-12-10T14:14:00.000-08:00

"It looks like the Bush-era tax cuts for the rich will continue, due to a strong Republican leader, Barack Obama. Today Obama changed his slogan from 'Yes we can' to 'Yes, we caved.' It’s so bad for him, now Democrats want to see his birth certificate." –Jay Leno  
 

"The Republicans might be willing to allow homosexual men and women to die for their country, once anyone earning over $500,000 a year is allowed to park in handicapped spaces and be addressed as 'Guvner' in an English accent." –Daily Show correspondent John Oliver on Don’t Ask Don’t Tell

"President Obama has agreed to extend the Bush-era tax cuts. Because if there's anything we need, it's an extension of the Bush era." –David Letterman  

John Hulse painting

Nothing yet on bin Laden, but we got Willie Nelson

2010-12-08T17:53:00.000-08:00

"Willie Nelson was arrested for possession of marijuana. Nothing yet on bin Laden, but we got Willie Nelson." –David Letterman  

"Between the made-up words and wildly shooting at anything with four legs, Sarah Palin is turning into Elmer Fudd." –Jimmy Kimmel

"WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange says he's going to release damaging files on BP and Guantanamo Bay if his website is shut down. Excuse me? No one besmirches the good names of BP and Guantanamo Bay." –Jimmy Fallon  

John Hulse painting

You know you're bad, when guys in Nigeria are accusing YOU of running a scam

2010-12-08T17:48:00.000-08:00

"President Obama has set aside over 180 million acres of land for polar bears. When Sarah Palin heard about it, she said, 'Todd, get my gun.'" –Conan O'Brien  

"On his book tour George W. Bush said, 'I was a Blackberry person, and now I’m an iPad person, so I hope you buy my book in hardcover and electronically.' So there you have it. George W. Bush doesn’t care about Blackberries." –Jimmy Kimmel   

"Nigerian authorities are charging former Vice President Dick Cheney on a bribery scandal that involves Haliburton. That's when you know you're bad, when guys in Nigeria are accusing YOU of running a scam. Cheney has offered to be hooked up to a polygraph, as soon as he's unhooked from the defibrillator." –Jay Leno  

John Hulse painting

Dick Cheney says we should waterboard the Internet

2010-12-03T01:31:00.001-08:00

"Rep. Peter King says WikiLeaks presents a clear and present danger to our national security and should be branded a terrorist organization. Former Vice President Dick Cheney says we should waterboard the Internet." –Jimmy Kimmel   

"President Obama held a ceremony at the White House to celebrate the first night of Hanukkah. In response, Republicans said, 'It's even worse than we thought. He's a Jewish Muslim.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Former President George W. Bush said he's a huge fan of his new iPad. Or as he called it, his 'glowing magic window.'" –Conan O'Brien  

John Hulse photography

So get ready for this year's 'Christ, It's Cold Out Parade'

2010-12-03T01:27:00.000-08:00

"Yesterday John McCain announced, 'We must bring about a regime change in North Korea.' To which the waitress replied, "Sir, if you don't order now you'll miss the early bird special." –Jay Leno  

"A Senator from Oklahoma says he won't participate in his state's holiday parade unless they put Christ back in the title. So get ready for this year's 'Christ, It's Cold Out Parade.'" –Conan O'Brien  

"Promoting his new book, President Bush visited the headquarters of Facebook. Unfortunately, he spent the whole visit on Farmville, clearing brush." –Conan O'Brien  

John Hulse photography

Listen, geometry was never my strong suit

2010-11-30T23:28:00.000-08:00

"Happy Thanksgiving everyone. I have a lot to be thankful for: I have a new studio, a new show, I never have to watch Bristol Palin dance again." –Conan O'Brien  

"Bristol Palin lost to Jennifer Grey in the finale of 'Dancing with the Stars.' The good news is, when a Palin loses they tend to just quietly disappear." –Conan O'Brien

"In a recent interview, Sarah Palin said we must stand with our North Korean allies. When she was corrected she said, 'Listen, geometry was never my strong suit.'" –Jay Leno  

"In a recent interview, Sarah Palin said we have to stand with 'our North Korean allies.' When told that North Korea is not our ally, Palin said, 'Sorry, I meant East Korean allies.'" –Conan O'Brien   

John Hulse photography

Wait. North Korea's the one in the south, right?

2010-11-28T19:00:00.000-08:00

"On Glenn Beck's radio show yesterday, Sarah Palin accidentally said, 'We have to stand with our North Korean allies.' Then Palin was like, 'Wait. North Korea's the one in the south, right?'" –Jimmy Fallon  

"Rush Limbaugh on the radio yesterday told President Obama, 'Keep your hands off my tea bag.' Don't worry, Rush, even special ops couldn't find your tea bag." –Jimmy Kimmel   

"Bristol Palin came in third in 'Dancing with the Stars.' Sarah Palin is not at all happy with the decision – she's already planning to refudiate it." –Jay Leno  

John Hulse photography

Just in time for awkward holiday gift exchanges

2010-11-25T21:38:00.000-08:00

"Palin's book 'America by Heart' came out today, just in time for awkward holiday gift exchanges." –Jimmy Kimmel  

"Ratings for the second episode of Palin's TV show have gone way down, falling 40 percent. So I guess she and President Obama do have something in common after all." –Jimmy Kimmel  

"North Korea attacked South Korea by brazenly firing mortars into their country. Apparently what happened was, Kim Jong Il got angry over the fact that Bristol Palin made it to the finals of 'Dancing With the Stars.'" –Jay Leno  

John Hulse painting

I know many of you have made a decision not to read it

2010-11-25T21:33:00.001-08:00

"George W. Bush has a new book called 'Decision Points.' I know many of you have made a decision not to read it." –David Letterman  

"George H.W. Bush and Barbara Bush had a wonderful interview with Larry King. Larry is so confused. He asked Barbara Bush how long she has been on the Quaker Oats box" –David Letterman  

"Sarah Palin must be glad that 'Dancing With the Stars' is over. It was a major distraction. She was only able to release three books this month." –Jimmy Kimmel   

John Hulse painting

And you thought Thanksgiving dinner makes you drowsy

2010-11-25T21:29:00.000-08:00

"In her new book, Sarah Palin says she once gave up chocolate for an entire year just to prove she could do it. Still think she's not qualified to be President?" –Jimmy Fallon  

"Sarah Palin has another new book. As long as somebody else is writing them for you, you can turn them out just like that." –David Letterman  

"That's right, Palin has a brand new book. And you thought Thanksgiving dinner makes you drowsy." –David Letterman  

John Hulse photography

They say not to bring food, sharp tools, or any shred of dignity

2010-11-25T21:26:00.001-08:00

"A new study says that radiation from Wi-Fi is hurting trees. Environmentalists are calling it the worst assault on trees since George W. Bush and Sarah Palin became authors." –Jimmy Fallon  

"Palin's book just came out. It has just over 300 pages and just under 900 made-up words." –Jimmy Fallon  

"The TSA has issued some special packing tips for travelers before Thanksgiving weekend. They say not to bring food, sharp tools, or any shred of dignity." –Jimmy Fallon

John Hulse photography

John McCain picked the wrong Palin

2010-11-25T21:21:00.000-08:00

"Swiss scientists say they have produced antimatter, which could explain some of the mysteries of the universe, such as how Bristol Palin is still on 'Dancing with the Stars.' She gets more votes than anyone else. John McCain picked the wrong Palin." –Jay Leno

"Former President George W. Bush has published his memoirs, called 'Decision Points.' Bush was asked if he used a ghost writer and he said, 'Nah, I stopped believing in those after I turned 12.'" –Jay Leno  

"Sarah Palin's new book can be found right next to George W. Bush's new book in the 'Apparently Anyone Can Write One of These' section." –Jimmy Fallon  

John Hulse photography

In fact, one agent was transferred to another parish

2010-11-25T21:14:00.000-08:00

"TSA says they are going to crack down on the invasive pat-downs. In fact, one agent was transferred to another parish." –David Letterman  

"Some of these airport patdowns are so thorough they say you only need one every 5 years. You can get the regular patdown, but if you want to upgrade you can get what they call the Full Spitzer." –David Letterman  

"Three finalists on 'Dancing with the Stars,' two of whom can dance and Bristol Palin who cannot, but her mother has an army of Eskimo robots calling in votes day and night. The Palins dream of a future in which no one will ever be disqualified from a job simply because they are unable to perform that job." –Jimmy Kimmel

John Hulse photography

A building for teenagers to drink behind (No.com)

2010-11-23T15:21:00.000-08:00

"Donald Trump wants to see if people think he should run for President. So a website has been launched called 'Shouldtrumprun.com.' Yeah, don't worry the American public has responded with their own website 'No.com.'" –Conan O'Brien  

"At the dedication of his Presidential Library, George W. Bush said it's long been his dream to build a building for teenagers to drink behind." –Seth Meyers

"On this day in 1863, President Abraham Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg Address. Following the address, the rebuttal was given by John McCain." –David Letterman

John Hulse painting, John Hulse photography

Nice to know there will somebody equally unqualified

2010-11-20T09:01:00.000-08:00

"Bush opening a library, that's like Kirstie Alley opening a can of diet coke." –David Letterman  

"Sarah Palin says she's going to run for President in 2012. 2012. Donald Trump said he's going to run for President in 2012 against Sarah Palin. Nice to know there will somebody equally unqualified." –David Letterman  

"Now that would be some presidential race. You've got Donald Trump and Sarah Palin and the debates. Get there early and get some seats down front for those debates. 'You're fired, you betcha.'" –David Letterman  

John Hulse photography

She's already started writing her inaugural address on her hand

2010-11-20T08:58:00.000-08:00

"At the opening of the Bush Presidential Center in Texas, Dick Cheney joked that the center is the only shovel-ready project in America. What about that Dick Cheney taking a buddy hunting? That could be another shovel-ready project." –Jay Leno  

"In an upcoming interview with Barbara Walters, Sarah Palin says she believes she can beat Obama in 2012. The way things are going right now, Bristol Palin could beat Obama in 2012." –Jay Leno  

"I'll tell you how confident Sarah Palin is. She's already started writing her inaugural address on her hand." –Jay Leno  

John Hulse photography

The first time the words 'Bush' and 'complex' have been used in same sentence

2010-11-20T08:53:00.001-08:00

"Down in Texas, ground breaking ceremonies for the George W. Bush center in Dallas. Ladies and gentlemen, thank god the comedy recession is over. Actually, the official name of the place is George W. Bush Presidential Center and Go-Kart Track. And water park. The George W. Bush Presidential Center is part of a $250 million complex. And by the way, I believe this is the first time the words 'Bush' and 'complex' have been used in same sentence." –David Letterman  

"A senior citizen was arrested after shooting his TV when Bristol Palin wasn't kicked off of 'Dancing With the Stars.' Come on, John McCain, it's been two years. Get over it. " –Craig Ferguson  

David Letterman's "Top Ten Highlights of the George W. Bush Library Groundbreaking"   
10. While digging, they found Obama's birth certificate  9. Read warm congratulatory note from Osama and Julie bin Laden  8. Displayed thousands of books Bush pretends to read  7. George arrived wearing a flight suit and piloting the Conan blimp  6. Dubya only had three shoes thrown at him  5. Dug up thousands of Gore ballots from 2000  4. Bush gave Halliburton $300 million check just for the hell of it  3. George correctly pronounced the word "nuclear" (it doesn't get any more groundbreaking than that)  2. After a few seconds of digging, Bush raised "Mission Accomplished" banner  1. Bush and Cheney celebrated the day with a long, passionate, open-mouth kiss

John Hulse photography
G

The new Bush presidential library just purchased its first 800,000 books

2010-11-20T08:49:00.000-08:00

"The new Oxford dictionary has declared Sarah Palin's made-up word 'refudiate' the 2010 word of the year. When asked for her reaction to the dubious honor, Palin said she would not 'dignitate' it with a response." –Jay Leno  

"Former President George W. Bush's new memoir has already sold 800,000 copies. In other news, the new Bush presidential library just purchased its first 800,000 books." –Conan O'Brien  

"Happy birthday to Rep. John Boehner from Ohio. If you want to get him a present, you can't go wrong with bronzer. Or you can get him a giant bed so the banking, oil, and defense industries can get in it with him." –David Letterman

John Hulse photography

If he gets her pregnant, it’s officially designated The Situation womb

2010-11-20T08:45:00.000-08:00

"George W. Bush's famous 'Mission Accomplished' banner may be put in his Presidential Library. They plan to hang it up as soon as they start construction." –Jimmy Fallon  

Jon Stewart on Bristol Palin's abstinence PSA with 'Jersey Shore's' The Situation, in which he dangles condoms at her: "By the way, if he gets her pregnant, it’s officially designated The Situation womb."  

"Sunday night was the debut of the reality show, 'Sarah Palin's Alaska.' It got huge ratings. Even people over in Russia were watching and they didn't need TVs. They could see it from their porch. " –Jay Leno

John Hulse photography

Who is that woman? She looks familiar...

2010-11-20T08:41:00.000-08:00

"Sunday Night was the debut of the reality show 'Sarah Palin's Alaska.' It got huge ratings. Even John McCain watched it. In fact, halfway through the program McCain turned to his wife Cindy and said, 'Who is that woman? She looks familiar.'" –Jay Leno

"The Situation from 'Jersey Shore' just shot a PSA with Bristol Palin about safe sex and abstinence. Wait, they wanted to do a psa about not having sex and getting pregnant and they chose The Situation and Bristol Palin? Who's doing their anti-drug campaign, Lindsay Lohan?" –Jimmy Fallon  

"Alaska Sen. Lisa Murkowski said that she doesn't think Sarah Palin enjoyed being governor. Palin was like, 'That's absurd. If I didn't enjoy being governor, I would have just quit in the middle of my — nevermind.'" –Jimmy Fallon  

John Hulse photography

I won't be watchin'

2010-11-17T21:18:00.000-08:00

"Dick Cheney attended the ceremony. It's fitting for Cheney to be at the library. He spent eight years telling Bush to be quiet." –Jimmy Fallon   

"Actually, when speaking about Bush, Dick Cheney said that Americans can tell a decent, good-hearted guy when they see him. Then he was like, 'Let me know if you do. I need that heart.'"–Jimmy Fallon  

"Palin says they do a lot of huntin', a lot of hikin', and a lot of fishin'. I won't be watchin'." –David Letterman   

John Hulse painting

But then you spend 10 years trying to find an exit strategy

2010-11-17T21:14:00.000-08:00

"The New Oxford Dictionary has declared Sarah Palin's word 'refudiate' to be the 2010 Word of the Year. Palin was honored and said she would do her best to 'dismangle' the English language." –Conan O'Brien  

"Over 5 million people tuned in to watch the premiere of Sarah Palin's new show on TLC. It was such a success, TLC now stands for 'The Learnifying Channel.'" –Jimmy Fallon  

"They just had the groundbreaking ceremony of the George W. Bush Presidential Library in Dallas. It's easy to get into the building, but then you spend 10 years trying to find an exit strategy." –Jimmy Fallon

John Hulse painting

Turn-ons include tax cuts and spray tans

2010-11-17T21:09:00.000-08:00

"Rep. John Boehner is the new speaker of the House. Turn-ons include tax cuts and spray tans." –Craig Ferguson  

"Reports suggest that parts of former President Bush's new book may have been lifted from other books. Especially the parts about Dumbledore and Voldemort." –Conan O'Brien

David Letterman's "Top 10 New Words of 2010"   10. Lohab  9. Obamamess  8. Baba-Bookdeal  7. Foxtitious  6. Sheentoxicated  5. Witchcrap  4. Baconfetti  3. Opraholic  2. Leno'd  1. Palincoherent

John Hulse painting

Now you do me....

2010-11-17T21:02:00.000-08:00

"Former President George W. Bush was all over TV promoting his book, 'Decision Points.' On 'Rachael Ray,' they waterboarded a veal cutlet." –David Letterman  

"Bill Clinton is going to appear in a movie, he has a small part in a movie called the Hangover 2. George W. Bush also next year will be seen in the new Jackass movie." –David Letterman  

"In San Diego, a man refused to be patted down by airport security and some people are calling him a hero. I don't mind being patted down by airport security, but I don't like it when the guy says, 'Now you do me.'" –Conan O'Brien  

John Hulse photography

They were from 'Fraud of the Loom.'

2010-11-17T20:56:00.000-08:00

"Bernie Madoff's underpants were sold at an auction. They were from 'Fraud of the Loom.'" –David Letterman  

"They sold a lot of Madoff's cold weather clothing. He won't need that where he's going." –David Letterman  

"Madoff was upset that his wife sold her engagement ring for $500,000, because he hoped to give it to his new fiancé, Walt." –David Letterman  

John Hulse photography

Arizona just became the 15th state to approve medical marijuana

2010-11-17T20:53:00.000-08:00

"Early on in the first episode Sarah Palin talked about trying to protect her family's privacy while speaking directly into a television camera." –Jimmy Kimmel  

"There was a funny moment on Palin's show when the Palins approached a brown bear and asked to see its papers." –Jimmy Kimmel  

"Arizona just became the 15th state to approve medical marijuana. So I give it three days before they stop caring about the whole immigration thing." –Jimmy Fallon

John Hulse photography

It was followed by 'John McCain's Mesopotamia.'

2010-11-17T20:49:00.000-08:00

"'Sarah Palin's Alaska' got huge ratings for its premiere. It was followed by 'John McCain's Mesopotamia.'" –Jay Leno    

"President Obama is back home after his ten-day trip to Asia. On the way back, yesterday, air force one made a stop in Anchorage, Alaska, which is hopefully the only time we'll hear air force one and Anchorage, Alaska in the same sentence." –Jay Leno  

"Sarah Palin's new reality show premiered last night on TLC. Huge ratings. 5 Million viewers. The biggest premiere in the history of that network. If you didn't see it, basically it's Jon and Kate plus about four meets the deadliest catch. It's Ice Road Soccer Mom." –Jimmy Kimmel

John Hulse photography

They just found out they're gonna have to work until they're 69 in new China

2010-11-16T16:07:00.000-08:00

"An article on 'Huffington Post yesterday claimed that several passages of George W. Bush's new memoir 'Decision Points" were lifted from other books, including several written by his advisers. Which explains why he spent much of the book complaining about his boss." –Seth Meyers  

"One of the new proposals from a bipartisan commission released Wednesday suggested that in order to bring down the deficit, the government would need to raise the retirement age to 69 by the year 2075. So the next time a baby is crying on your flight, it's probably because they just found out they're gonna have to work until they're 69 in new China." –Seth Meyers  

"Speaking in a video for an ad campaign aimed at ending the bullying of gay teenagers, Cindy McCain, the wife of Senator John McCain, broke with her husband and called for the repeal of 'don't ask, don't tell.' McCain says he and his wife have disagreed on other issues too. Things like, "Where am I and what the hell is going on." –Seth Meyers  

John Hulse photography

You can listen to it while you drive the economy off the cliff

2010-11-16T16:04:00.000-08:00

"George Bush's memoir out. It's called 'Decision Points' It's also available in an audio version so you can listen to it while you drive the economy off the cliff." –Bill Maher  

"Bush was everywhere this week. He was on Matt Lauer, Sean Hannity, Oprah. And he got 50 bucks for his fetus in a jar on 'The Antique Roadshow.'" –Bill Maher  

"The weirdest part of his memoir is that Bush says when he was a teenager, his mother showed him a fetus that she had miscarried that she kept in a jar. And his decision point there was to start drinking. Actually Bush says when she showed him the fetus in the jar, that's what made him so strongly against abortion — and for food labels." –Bill Maher  

John Hulse photography

Did we run out of Kardashians?

2010-11-16T16:01:00.000-08:00

"A show with Sarah Palin? Did we run out of Kardashians?" –David Letterman  

"John McCain makes an appearance on Palin's show. He wasn't scheduled, he just wanders through." –David Letterman   

"I think the name of the Sarah Palin show is s**t my ex-governor says." –David Letterman  

"George W. Bush has a new memoir out and he said in an interview that he thought that Sarah Palin was not qualified to be president. Well, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black. Honest to goodness." –David Letterman

John Hulse photography

Poor people, get prepared to be trickled down on

2010-11-16T15:58:00.000-08:00

"The point Bush wants to get across is that we should go out and buy his new memoir, 'If I Did It.' No, that's not it.' –Jon Stewart  

"Wall Street hands out new bonuses. Poor people, get prepared to be trickled down on." –Stephen Colbert

"Sarah Palin has a new show. She takes viewers all around Alaska, and shows them where she water-boarded Levi Johnston." –David Letterman  

John Hulse photography

She's the only thing George W. Bush ever checked out at the library

2010-11-13T20:49:00.000-08:00

"Former first lady Laura Bush used to be a librarian. Coincidentally, she's the only thing George W. Bush ever checked out at the library." –David Letterman   

"Sarah Palin has a show about Alaska premiering Sunday. I was starting to worry that she's underexposed." –David Letterman   

"He's like an old pair of slippers, this guy. Like a gift you didn't particularly want. Wasn't really a good fit. Started a war between your pants and your shirt. But you had them for eight years, and that's something. In hindsight, they did keep your feet slightly warmer than -- ah, f**k... it, I never liked those slippers." –Jon Stewart on George W. Bush  

John Hulse photography

Who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?

2010-11-13T20:43:00.000-08:00

"I don't know if you guys saw this, but Bristol Palin made it to the semifinals of "Dancing with the Stars" last night. I'm not saying Bristol is going to win, but if there's one thing she's known for, it's going all the way. So I would put my money, put it all on Bristol Palin." –Jimmy Fallon  

"President Bush is everywhere talking about his book and he's being very candid. In one interview, he said that he used to do stupid things while he was drunk. But think about it, who among us hasn't had a couple of drinks and invaded Iraq?" —David Letterman  

"President Bush is everywhere. He's been on the Larry King show. He's been on the 'Today Show' with Matt Lauer, he's been on all of the programs. He was on Rachael Ray this morning water boarding a veal cutlet." –David Letterman  

John Hulse photography

I've got to say, the book was way better than the presidency

2010-11-13T20:40:00.000-08:00

"George W. Bush says he is glad to be out of the Oval Office because he doesn't have to think all the time. And I'm thinking wait a minute, that was him thinking all the time. Really?" –David Letterman    

"George W. Bush was signing copies of his new memoir 'Decision Points' at a Borders Bookstore yesterday. Did you hear about that? Yeah, when he saw the bookstore, he was like, 'I heard about these places, but I never believed they were real.' I'm not even wearing special glasses. This is great.'" –Jimmy Fallon  

"I finally read former President Bush's memoir, and I've got to say, the book was way better than the presidency." –Jimmy Fallon  

John Hulse photography

It was like Dick Cheney going back to visit the Death Star

2010-11-13T20:36:00.000-08:00

"‘Decision Points’ by George W. Bush has dropped, and it's like 'War & Peace' without the peace. Here's the very first page: 'In the last year of my presidency I began to seriously consider writing my memoirs.' Right away he’s got you hooked. Did he write them or didn’t he? You won’t know until you read the book. Maybe the rest of the pages are blank. If there’s one thing we’ve learned it’s that we can’t believe something is there just because Bush says it is." –Stephen Colbert  

"President Obama was in Indonesia today, and he spent a lot of his childhood there. It was like Dick Cheney going back to visit the Death Star." –Craig Ferguson   

"President Obama said he spends a lot of time thinking about bringing back the eight million jobs we lost. And in his new book, George Bush says he spends a lot of time thinking about bringing back the show 'Wings.'" –Jimmy Fallon  

John Hulse photography

It was Oprah’s annual 'Least Favorite Things' episode

2010-11-13T20:33:00.000-08:00

"Former President George W. Bush was on 'Oprah.' When asked about being the leader of the free world, Oprah said, 'It’s not bad.'" –Conan O'Brien  

"George W. Bush was interviewed by Matt Lauer who asked him if he would still invade Iraq if he knew then what he knows now. It's an unfair question. For one thing I don’t know if Bush does know what he knows now." –Jimmy Kimmel    

"Former President Bush was on 'Oprah.' It was Oprah’s annual 'Least Favorite Things' episode." –Jimmy Kimmel  

John Hulse photography

There's nothing people without a job love more than less health care

2010-11-13T20:29:00.000-08:00

"Republicans were complaining about the cost of Obama’s trip, and that he was staying at the Taj Mahal. It turns out he was actually staying at the Taj Mahal Express, by the airport." –Jay Leno    

"Republicans fresh off their victory on Election Day say their first priority will be to dismantle the new health care law. And believe me, there's nothing people without a job love more than less health care." –Jay Leno  

"Former president George Bush has a new book out called 'Decision Points.' He's quite candid in this book. He talked about how he and Dick Cheney often clashed because of their different style. For example, Bush liked to shoot from the hip, whereas Cheney liked to shoot people in the face. Two different ways of coming at things." –Jay Leno

John Hulse photography

The problem is because of his economic policies nobody can afford to buy the book

2010-11-13T20:24:00.000-08:00

"George W. Bush's memoir is out today. And the guy is apparently quite candid, quite honest in the memoir. It's a big, big book. The problem is because of his economic policies nobody can afford to buy the book." –David Letterman  

"But the guy, the president, he is still quick. Still very athletic. You know, he's a former cheerleader. I believe he is our only president who was a cheerleader. He proved today at a book signing that he can still duck a shoe." –David Letterman  

"In the book Bush says that he lost respect for John McCain when he selected Sarah Palin as his running mate. This from a guy whose running mate shot a buddy in the face." –David Letterman    

John Hulse photography

To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles

2010-11-13T20:17:00.000-08:00

"Bush’s memoir Decision Points is 512 pages. To be fair, 200 of those pages are just games and puzzles." –Craig Ferguson  

"In the middle of the book is an Iraq maze which is pretty much impossible to get out of." –Craig Ferguson  

"Well George W. Bush is on the big book tour this week. During an interview with USA Today, Bush said that he was, 'blindsided by the financial crisis.' Bush said he was also blindsided by the fact that he knew the word blindsided." –Jimmy Fallon  

John Hulse photography

John McCain's most embarrassing moment...

2010-11-13T20:14:00.001-08:00

"MSNBC news anchor Keith Olbermann will be back to work on Wednesday after being suspended without pay for giving campaign contributions to Democratic candidates, which is against the rules at MSNBC. See, if only he had done like Eliot Spitzer and given his money to hookers, he would have gotten his own prime time show on CNN." –Jay Leno  

"Earlier this evening, in an interview with Matt Lauer, President Bush revealed the most embarrassing thing he ever did when he was drunk. He asked a friend of his parents at a dinner party what sex was like after 50. Which is not so bad when you consider John McCain's most embarrassing moment. He picked Sarah Palin sober." –Jay Leno  

"Former president George W. Bush released his new memoir. By the way, 'memoir' is just a fancy word for 'a bunch of stuff that happened to me.'" –Craig Ferguson

John Hulse photography

I'm not going to read it until he reads it

2010-11-13T20:11:00.001-08:00

"Decision Points? No sir, I'm not going to read it until he reads it." –David Letterman  

"Isn’t fall in New York City great? The colors are brown, gold, and orange. And that’s just John Boehner’s face." –David Letterman

"Obama’s in India for two days and Republicans are already accusing him of being a Hindu." –Jay Leno  

John Hulse painting

Bush water boards veal cutlets

2010-11-13T20:05:00.000-08:00

"Levi Johnston said in an interview that Sarah Palin is not qualified to be President. And, believe me, if there's anyone who knows about not being qualified for something it is Levi Johnston." –Jay Leno

"In his new book, George W. Bush says he’s happy to be out of Washington. Well, it’s unanimous." –David Letterman  

"Former President George W. Bush has written his memoir. It's called Decision Points. I've already decided not to read it. He'll be everywhere promoting the book. He's on the 'Today Show.' Going to be on the Oprah Winfrey Show, and tomorrow he'll be on the Rachael Ray Show, water boarding the veal cutlets." –David Letterman

John Hulse photography

See, for Republicans that counts as diversity

2010-11-09T03:19:00.000-08:00

"Well, it looks like John Boehner will be the new Speaker of the House. He is the son of a bartender, one of 12 children. He grew up in a two room home with just one bathroom, worked his way through school, became the first person in his family to graduate from college. And, sadly, fell in with the wrong crowd and wound up in Congress." –Jay Leno  

"You know who Boehner is, right? He's that orange looking guy. See, for Republicans that counts as diversity." –Jay Leno  

"And Boehner, very serious about cutting back on spending. I saw him day, touching up his tan with an orange sharpie." –Jay Leno  

John Hulse painting

George W. Bush has a new memoir that just came out and...

2010-11-09T03:14:00.000-08:00

"Here's how huge their victory was. They actually elected two black people on the Republican side in Congress, and seven gay Republicans. Of course, you won't find out who they are until they get caught in a rest stop somewhere." –Bill Maher  

"Did you see the new speaker of the House John Boeher cry? He cries a lot. Mr. Boehner you've got to stop crying. For one, your tan is going to run. And what's he going to do if he loses next time? Put on a Bjork record and cut himself?" –Bill Maher  

"Just in time for the Republican sweep, George Bush has a new memoir that just came out. He was on the Today Show plugging it. He said his lowest moment of the whole presidency was when Kanye West said he didn't care about black people. Well, I got news for you. Black people don't care about you either. Mr. Bush." –Bill Maher  

John Hulse painting

Congratulations America, on Tuesday you put on the dress and killed again

2010-11-09T03:07:00.000-08:00

"A special shout-out to the independent geniuses, who switched sides again because President Chocolate Jesus did not make it rain twenties in two years." –Bill Maher  

"You know what, you independents, if you can vote for Bush one year, and then the next election vote for Obama, and then go back to John Boehner, you're not independents, you're schizophrenic. You're Norman Bates, sometimes you dress up as your mom and kill sluts in the shower, and sometimes you put on pants and mop up. Well, congratulations America, on Tuesday you put on the dress and killed again." –Bill Maher  

"This was the biggest landslide since the '30s. The Republicans picked up 63 seats. I haven't seen the Republicans so happy about taking seats since they made Rosa Parks stand up." –Bill Maher

John Hulse Painting

To go against your self-interest more you'd have to literally go f*ck yourself

2010-11-09T03:03:00.000-08:00

"The government will pump an additional $600 billion into the economy. I guess they have to make up for what Meg Whitman isn’t spending anymore." –Jay Leno  

"America put the crazy people who got us into this mess back in charge, and California won't let us get high to get over it." –Bill Maher  

"I do not understand the electorate. This country is hurting in a way we haven't since the Depression. People struggling all over this country, and they came out and voted for the party that says right up front they will suspend your unemployment benefits and repeal health care. To go against your self-interest more you'd have to literally go f*ck yourself." –Bill Maher  

John Hulse painting

No one's laughing at my John Boehner tattoo now

2010-11-05T18:23:00.001-07:00

"What do you think of the Republican landslide victory on election night? No one's laughing at my John Boehner tattoo now." –David Letterman  

"In his new book George W. Bush reveals that he considered dropping Dick Cheney in 2002 to show he was in charge, not Cheney. But then Cheney nixed the idea." –Jimmy Fallon

"Prop 19, the California proposition to legalize marijuana lost. The proponents are all so sad today. If only there were some substance that could make them laugh again." –Jimmy Kimmel  

I think limited government will be perfect for her limited abilities

2010-11-05T18:19:00.000-07:00

"Not only did Meg Whitman lose, now she can’t find anybody to clean her house." –Jay Leno  

"Despite being caught paying $300 for a prostitute David Vitter easily won reelection. Voters respected his fiscal conservatism, paying only $300, compared to liberal Eliot Spitzer who paid $5,000. That’s a $4,700 savings to the taxpayers right there." –Jay Leno  

"Sarah Palin says she wants limited government. Does she mean fewer elected officials or more officials who resign in the middle of their terms? I think limited government will be perfect for her limited abilities." –David Letterman

We all remember how well that worked last time

2010-11-04T22:46:00.000-07:00

"Pundits say Christine O’Donnell’s political career may be over, but she still has six months as a punchline." –David Letterman  

"Christine O'Donnell, after losing her election in Delaware, said 'Our voices were heard.' In your head, lady." –David Letterman  

"Republicans are in charge now. We all remember how well that worked last time." –David Letterman  

John Hulse photography

'Tea Party' sounds like something I do with my ferrets every Sunday

2010-11-04T22:43:00.000-07:00

"The Tea Party needs to pick a tougher name. 'Tea Party' sounds like something I do with my ferrets every Sunday." –Craig Ferguson  

"Christine O'Donnell lost her election by 20 percent. In a brief concession speech, she said 'I'm melting.'" –Craig Ferguson  

"Christine O'Donnell lost her election by 20 percent. She's planning to retire to her house in the country where she'll lure children with candy and gingerbread." –Craig Ferguson  

John Hulse photography

Kentucky, your state bird is now a can of lead paint

2010-11-04T22:39:00.000-07:00

"In the Kentucky Senate race, Rand Paul has been declared the victor. Rand Paul is a libertarian and a staunch opponent of regulation of any kind. So congratulations, Kentucky, your state bird is now a can of lead paint." – Stephen Colbert  

"Alaska: The Nipples that Can Cut Glass State" – Stephen Colbert

"Republicans won big on election day. They say their two big priorities are cutting taxes and reducing the debt. Which is sort of like wanting to lose weight and win 'Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest.'" –Jimmy Kimmel  

John Hulse photography

It is the highest elected office ever to be reached by an Orange-American

2010-11-04T22:36:00.001-07:00

"Tonight, we will be riding a gnarly GOP barrel all the way to tax cut beach!" –Stephen Colbert  

"John Boehner will be the new Speaker of the House. It is the highest elected office ever to be reached by an Orange-American." –Daily Show correspondent Olivia Munn  

"Russ Feingold was defeated for having progressive values. In Louisiana, David Vitter has absolutely destroyed his challenger by going out with hookers." – Jon Stewart, on America's priorities  

John Hulse photography

It's the reason his brother Dick stayed out of politics

2010-11-04T22:29:00.000-07:00

“What she should have done with the 142 million was make a 'Terminator' movie. That’s how our current Governor did it!” –Jimmy Kimmel, on California Gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman spending $142 million of her own money on her campaign  

"All his life people have called John Boehner 'Boner,' and now America is going to pay. It's the reason his brother Dick stayed out of politics altogether." –Jimmy Kimmel  

"John Boehner will be the new speaker unless, out of habit, he blocks his own confirmation." –Stephen Colbert  

John Hulse painting

She ended up underneath it, with her feet curled up

2010-11-04T22:25:00.000-07:00

"Republicans are saying, 'It's time for a change.' And Democrats are saying, 'Stay the course.' And Charlie Sheen is saying, 'Where are my pants?'" –Craig Ferguson  

"I don't know what Christine O'Donnell stands for, but I'm a late night talk show host, I need her." –Craig Ferguson

"Although many of her Republican colleagues were elected to the House, Christine O'Donnell ended up underneath it, with her feet curled up." –Jimmy Kimmel   

Oh, really. I don't even believe in the theory of gravitas

2010-11-04T21:57:00.000-07:00

"Sarah Palin said this week she would run for President if no one else would do it. I swear to God. And even Karl Rove said he didn't think it was a good idea for Sarah Palin to run for President. He said, he didn't think she has the gravitas. And Sarah said, 'Oh, really. I don't even believe in the theory of gravitas'" –Bill Maher  

"Federal investigators have stopped a man named Farooq Ahmed from a terrorist plot against the DC Metro system. You hear about this? Where he planned to bring Washington, DC to a stand still. Hey, you're a little late, okay? After two years of Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, John Boehner and Mitch McConnell, we're already there. All right? Mission accomplished." –Jay Leno  

"Karl Rove said this week that Sarah Palin does not have the gravitas to be President of the United States. Sarah Palin is furious. She said as soon as she finds out what gravitas means she will respond, and harshly." –Jay Leno

John Hulse photography

Christine O'Donnell's magic army of flying monkeys is looking pretty good

2010-11-04T21:53:00.000-07:00

"In an interview on 'Entertainment Tonight' this week, Mary Hart was told by Sarah Palin she may run in 2012 if there was no one to do it. That's not how you run for President. That's how you offer to babysit." –Seth Meyers  

"While campaigning in Florida this past weekend, Palin also plugged her upcoming reality show Sarah Palin's 'Alaska.' If you haven't seen it, the entire show takes place in Palin's rear view mirror." –Seth Meyers  

"Oh, poor, Meg Whitman. She's losing badly. This week we found out that one of her sons was accused of date rape. And we also found out that Jan Brewer, the Governor of Arizona, one of her sons also in a mental hospital for rape. I don't want to judge these women by their children, but Christine O'Donnell's magic army of flying monkeys is looking pretty good." –Bill Maher  

John Hulse photography

He was stomped to death at a Rand Paul rally

2010-10-28T16:39:00.000-07:00

"Bristol Palin has now survived six weeks on 'Dancing with the Stars.' She was neither eliminated nor impregnated. She'll probably get eliminated soon. Mid-November is when the Palin family typically goes into hibernation." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Washington D.C. was under a tornado watch. It was pretty crazy, especially when the White House landed on Christine O'Donnell." –Jimmy Fallon  

"Paul the psychic octopus from the World Cup is dead. He was stomped to death at a Rand Paul rally." –David Letterman  

"New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has canceled a train tunnel between New York and New Jersey. As a result, New Yorkers will have to get to New Jersey the same as they always have — by accident." –Jimmy Fallon

John Hulse painting

He's storing up evil for the winter

2010-10-25T15:46:00.000-07:00

"Jackass 3D" just opened. It’s the life story of New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino." –David Letterman  

"Delaware Republican senate candidate Christine O'Donnell blamed her campaign's recent troubles on unfair coverage in the "liberal media." Yup, the liberal media used two of its favorite tricks on her: 'Record' and 'Play.'" –Seth Meyers  

"The main purpose of the North Korean demonstration was to introduce Kim Jong Il's new heir-apparent – his youngest son, Kim Jong Un. But don’t be deceived...his cheeks are, in fact, not chubby. He's storing up evil for the winter." –Jon Stewart

John Hulse painting

The closest a member of the Palin family has ever come to acknowledging evolution

2010-10-25T15:42:00.001-07:00

"Last night on 'Dancing With the Stars,' Bristol Palin came out dressed in a gorilla costume. They say this is the closest a member of the Palin family has ever come to acknowledging evolution.” –Jimmy Kimmel   

“How can you not know about the separation of church and state? Someone get this woman a copy of Schoolhouse Rock because this is ridiculous. Apparently they don’t teach the Constitution at Hogwarts.” –Jimmy Kimmel, on Christine O'Donnell's confusion over the First Amenment  

"According to news reports, Christine O'Donnell's father used to play Bozo the Clown. It must be weird when your father is a grown man dressing up like a clown, and you're the embarrassment in the family." –Jimmy Fallon  

John Hulse painting

Did your name choose to be gay?

2010-10-25T15:38:00.001-07:00

"Fox News, on Thursday, hired news analyst Juan Williams just one day after National Public Radio fired him for making disparaging comments about Muslims. Marking the first time someone has been fired and hired for the same comment." –Seth Meyers  

"Following Williams' firing, several leading Republicans including Newt Gingrich, Mike Huckabee, and Sarah Palin, accused NPR of censorship and called for Congress to cut off federal funding for NPR. So in case you were wondering how much Republicans hate NPR, they're siding with a black guy named Juan." –Seth Meyers  

"During a debate on Meet the Press, Colorado Republican Senate candidate Ken Buck said that he believes being gay is a choice. Interesting position, Ken Buck. Did your name choose to be gay?" –Seth Meyers

John Hulse painting

We are truly one nation indivisible on the short bus

2010-10-25T15:33:00.000-07:00

"Juan Williams was fired by NPR. He told Bill O'Reilly that people in Muslim garb getting on airplanes make him nervous. And I was appalled: this is America, if we can't let a black man with a Latino name sh*t on Muslims to entertain a white guy, what do we have?"–Bill Maher  

"An amazing week for idiocy in America. Glenn Beck said that evolution is ridiculous because he's never seen a half-man, half-monkey. Christine O'Donnell did not know that the First Amendment was in the First Amendment. We are truly one nation indivisible on the short bus." –Bill Maher  

"One of the other nuts Carl Paladino in New York state, they had a debate, I've never seen this in politics -- he left before the debate was over to go to the bathroom. This is the best ad for Flomax I've ever seen." –Bill Maher  

John Hulse photography

on the next episode of Real Housewives of the Supreme Court...

2010-10-25T15:26:00.001-07:00

"There is a big difference between a disappointing friend and a deadly enemy. Of course the Democrats are disappointing. That's what makes them Democrats. If they were any more frustrating they'd be your relatives. But in this country they are all that stands between you and darkest night. You know why their symbol is the letter 'D'? Because it's a grade that means good enough, but just barely. You know why the Republican symbol is 'R'? Because it's the noise a pirate makes when he robs you and feeds you to a shark." –Bill Maher

"Clarence Thomas's wife this week on Saturday morning calls up Anita Hill 19 years later to ask her to apologize. Drunk dial much? And she did the right thing. She apologized. She said I'm truly sorry you're married to Clarence Thomas." –Bill Maher  

"Clarence Thomas's ex-girlfriend came forward to say Anita Hill was right, he is a pervert. He was obsessed with porn and big breasts. And that's just a taste of what's in store on the next episode of Real Housewives of the Supreme Court." –Bill Maher  

John Hulse photography

If you want to see a woman really get mad...

2010-10-19T05:59:00.000-07:00

"They asked Christine O'Donnell to name a Supreme Court case that she disagreed with; she said Kramer vs. Kramer." –Bill Maher on the debate between Delaware Senate candidates Christine O'Donnell and Chris Coons  

"New Rule: Jerry Brown must stop apologizing for being in the same room when someone called Meg Whitman a whore. If you want to see a woman really get mad, compare a whore to Meg Whitman." –Bill Maher

"'Jackass 3D' just opened. It's the life story of New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino." –David Letterman

He is now known as the Tiger Woods of mining

2010-10-19T05:56:00.001-07:00

"At one point during the debate, Christine O'Donnell said, 'What I think is irrelevant.' I'll keep that in mind come Election Day." –David Letterman  

"You know that anti-gay candidate Carl Paladino running for governor? He had this horrible anti-gay thing the other day. It turns out he owns two buildings that house gay night clubs. So I guess when it comes to making money, Mr. Anti-Gay's attitude is 'Don't ask, don't tell.'" –Jay Leno

"One of the Chilean miners had four women waiting for him; there was the wife he never divorced, then there was the woman he lives with, then there was his current girlfriend and then the baby mama. He is now known as the Tiger Woods of mining." –Bill Maher, on one of the Chilean miners

I mean, my God, it's like the Tea Party

2010-10-19T05:53:00.001-07:00

"The midterm elections are in a few weeks, and the Democrats are at a huge disadvantage, and I'll tell you why. They don't have a witch running." –David Letterman  

"People are saying that everything is Obama's fault – he hasn't dug us out of Bush's recession and two wars fast enough. That's the problem." –David Letterman

"I feel bad for the Chilean miners. They were down there in the dark so long. I mean, my God, it's like the Tea Party." –David Letterman

Kim Jong Il is appointing his dim-witted son, Kim Jong W. Il

2010-10-15T01:24:00.000-07:00

"The debate was moderated by Wolf Blitzer. It got very intense. At one point, O'Donnell turned him into an actual wolf." –Craig Ferguson  

"California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman has released a new TV ad in both Mandarin and Cantonese. This is part of her effort to reach out to the Asian community. That's how California works, where a white woman from back East, trying to replace an Austrian governor, runs an ad in Chinese to explain to people why she hired a Mexican maid." –Jay Leno

"North Korea is getting a new evil dictator. Kim Jong Il is appointing his dim-witted son, Kim Jong W. Il." –David Letterman

John Hulse painting

She's not really a master debater

2010-10-15T01:19:00.000-07:00

"Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh are President Obama's 10th cousins. Which means they are secret Muslims." –Jimmy Kimmel   

"Did you watch the debate with Christine O'Donnell, you know, the anti-self pleasuring, witchy candidate in Delaware? She wasn't that good though. She's not really a master debater.'" –Craig Ferguson   

"Christine O'Donnell is trailing in the polls by 20 percent. She'll need a miracle to win. Or a very good spell." –Craig Ferguson

John Hulse painting

In your heart you know he's Reich

2010-10-14T14:34:00.000-07:00

"Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late." –David Letterman  

"Rich Iott, the Republican nominee and Tea Party-backed candidate for Congress in Ohio, has admitted that he dressed up in a Nazi uniform for a Nazi reenactment. He said he was just following orders. His campaign slogan: 'In your heart you know he's Reich.''' –Jay Leno  

"A Republican candidate for Congress in Ohio, a guy named Richard Iott, photos have surfaced of him dressed in a Nazi uniform. He would go to Nazi reenactments dressed as an SS Stormtrooper. He said he only dressed as a Nazi as a bonding ritual with his son. Really? Any other kids do that with their dads? 'I don't want to fish, I don't want to play catch, Let's dress up as Nazis!'" –Jay Leno

John Hulse painting

The Nobel Prize in the fiction category went to Christine O'Donnell's resume

2010-10-13T14:39:00.000-07:00

"New York gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino's pit bull, Duke, bit another dog during a campaign stop this week. People who were there said he was growling, foaming at the mouth, and completely out of control. And so was his pit bull." –Jimmy Fallon  

"Carl Paladino criticized his opponent for marching in a gay pride parade. I guess he's planning on decorating the governor's mansion himself." –Jimmy Kimmel

"The Nobel Prize in the fiction category went to Christine O'Donnell's resume." –David Letterman  

"Christine O'Donnell's new ad says she didn't go to Yale, like her opponent. I don't think she really needs to tell us that." –Jay Leno  

John Hulse photography

If there was only some way to release all that tension

2010-10-11T16:49:00.001-07:00

"Todd Palin – have you heard this story? In Alaska, Joe Miller – he's the teabagger nut who's running for the Senate there – they got into a big brouhaha because apparently Sarah Palin put this guy on the map, and then Joe Miller was asked if Sarah Palin could be president, and he said, 'I don't know.' So then Todd Palin, all pissed off, wrote him a bunch of emails full of grammatical errors and spelling errors. Don't f*ck with Todd Palin. He will make you an offer he can't pronounce. You mess with Todd Palin, you could wake up with a horse's ass in your bed, like he does everyday." –Bill Maher  

“There’s going to be a big debate next week between the Senate candidates there. This is the first debate for the anti-masturbation witch candidate Christine O’Donnell. She must be very nervous. If there was only some way to release all that tension." –Craig Ferguson

John Hulse photography

Even Glenn Beck says, 'Where does she get this s*it?"

2010-10-11T16:42:00.000-07:00

"Christine O'Donnell is blaming the liberal media, but you know what, Christine, I just showed clips of you opening your mouth and crazy s**t coming out. If you want to blame someone, honey, look at your reflection in your cauldron." –Bill Maher  

"Christine O'Donnell is behind, but I don't think it's the witch stuff. I think it's because of her anti-masturbation stance. She's very serious about that, and you know people in Delaware are going, 'Come on, I live in Delaware, what else am I suppose to do?'" –Bill Maher  

"Sharron Angle, every week this woman gets crazier. Now she says that Sharia Law – you know, strict Islamic law like they have in Saudi Arabia – is taking hold in American cities in Michigan and Texas. Even Glenn Beck says, 'Where does she get this s*it?" –Bill Maher

John Hulse painting

What does a roomful of stupid look like?

2010-10-11T16:39:00.000-07:00

"What is it with conservatives? Seriously, I'm not trying to be partisan but it seems like if they're anti-illegal alien, they have illegal aliens working for them. If they're anti-gay, they turn out to be gay. If they're super Christian, they're a witch." –Bill Maher  

"Christine O'Donnell finally came out of hiding and put out an end this week. The first words of the ad are 'I am not a witch.' This is the first time a candidate had to deny being a witch in a campaign since, I got to go back to the Massachusetts primary of 1692." –Bill Maher  

"Political experts say the one thing you're not supposed to do as a politician is say you're not something. Remember, Nixon 'I am not a crook.' Bill Clinton 'I did not have sex with that woman.' Carly Fiorina has an ad out here. She said, 'I am not that butch gym teacher from 'Glee.'" – Bill Maher

The Bush Economy (poem)

2010-10-11T16:35:00.000-07:00

The Bush Economy

I was walking
down the isle
of the grocery store
and I heard
a little boy
ask his mother,

"Mommy,
can we buy
dog food
with
food stamps?"

poem by John Hulse from The Best and Worst Job I Ever Had (1985-2005)

An American with a Disability (poem)

2010-10-11T16:33:00.000-07:00

An American with a Disability

Dave’s life
was
a hard one.

epilepsy…
Grand Mal Seizures…

sometimes
his beautiful
face
was smashed
to pieces.

a few times
he was battered
unrecognizable
and covered
in blood.

Dave taught me
what
the term
“healing”
really meant.

one of Dave’s
many horror stories
was that he was
mistakenly arrested

after having a seizure
and being shipped
by the police
to a doctor
50 miles away
for treatment
he didn’t need,

and the police left him
stranded there
without
a ride home.

Dave remembered
waking up
in the hospital
and screaming
out loud,

“Take these damn
handcuffs off
of me,
I am not
a criminal!”

He said the policeman
was too busy
flirting with a nurse
to come over
right away
and take the
cuffs off.

Making this horror
even worse
was that he was transported
with his hands cuffed behind
his back
while his chest
was pressed against
the seat of the squad car
for the entire hour long
journey.

Worse again, was that
he had just had a pacemaker
implanted in his chest
to reduce his seizures.

The police
even lied
to Dave's
mom saying
he was coherent
all the
way down
to Indianapolis.

If Dave was coherent
like they said,
the first
words out of
his mouth
would have been,

“Please take these
handcuffs off of me,
I am not a criminal!

I have epilepsy!”

Dave Looper died alone in his apartment on or about January 23-24 2002

the best and the worst job I ever had (poem)

2010-10-11T16:29:00.000-07:00

the best and the worst job I ever had

It was the first week of the
first Gulf War
and we were headed to the Jewish Community Center
in Berkeley.

When we arrived it was my job to patrol
the outside gate
and wait for
crazy men with bad intentions
who might want to open up
on the synagogue
with an AK-47
or
with a load of explosives strapped to
their chests
or inside their cars.

My job was to make sure
they didn’t get through the front gate.

The hours passed
as the rabbi’s continued
their lessons
in peace.

Baruch atah Adonai, Elohaynu, melech ha-olam, she-asah neeseem
la-avotaynu ba-yameem ha-heim ba-z'man ha-zeh.

(Blessed are you, Lord, our God, king of the universe,
who performed miracles for our ancestors in those days at this time.)

I wondered what my mother
and father back in Indiana would
think of their son now,
staring straight ahead
wondering what
the next moment would bring.

For two weeks I patrolled outside
the synagogue
without incident.

The same time in Israel,
suicide bombers
killed 6 and wounded 17.

I prayed for a return to the peace
of the cornfields. I was alive,
and it was time to go home.

And so was his pit bull...

2010-10-09T03:57:00.000-07:00

"The latest Gallup poll gives congressional Republicans the best poll numbers they've ever had. They say this could be the biggest Republican year since 1894. So for the second time, John McCain could be swept to victory." –Jay Leno

"Donald Trump is running for president. He's not the kind of guy that would stage something like this for publicity. I know it's official because today, Trump threw his hair into the ring." –David Letterman

"Carl Paladino's pit bull, Duke, bit another dog during a campaign stop this week. People who were there said he was growling, foaming at the mouth, and completely out of control. And so was his pit bull." –Jimmy Fallon

John Hulse photography

We haven't had a president who wore a powdered wig since John Quincy Adams

2010-10-08T16:08:00.000-07:00

"Christine O'Donnell has a new commercial where she says, 'I'm not a witch.' Isn't that exactly what a witch would say?" " –David Letterman

"Donald Trump may run for president. Wouldn't that be exciting? We haven't had a president who wore a powdered wig since John Quincy Adams." –Jay Leno

"Christine O'Donnell has a new ad in which she tells voters, 'I'm you, I'm just like you.' Of course, a lot of people are going, 'Really, you're me? Well, I don't belong in the U.S. Senate either. I want somebody smarter than me, and that's not you!" –Jay Leno  

John Hulse photography

Then Obama and Biden try to come back from a 6 billion point deficit

2010-10-07T00:10:00.000-07:00

"EA Sports released a new version of the video game 'NBA Jam' that features Obama, Biden, Bush, and Cheney. Bush and Cheney play the first half, then Obama and Biden try to come back from a 6 billion point deficit." –Jimmy Fallon  

"Christine O'Donnell is the Senate candidate from Delaware who's against masturbation and has dabbled in witchcraft. She's fighting back against the charges she's a witch with a new ad in which she says, 'I'm not a witch. I'm you.' I don't think this is a good strategy because I'm crazy. I would never vote for me. Besides, it doesn't make any sense. If she's me then she masturbates constantly. And if she's me then that means she can turn herself into other people, which means she's a witch. Quick, to the dunking tank!" –Craig Ferguson

John Hulse photography

But the joke's on you, terrorists. We can't afford to go to Europe...

2010-10-07T00:07:00.000-07:00

"The White House has issued an alert for American tourists traveling in Europe over fears of a terror attack. But the joke's on you, terrorists. We can't afford to go to Europe." –Jimmy Fallon   

"The Senate has decided to limit the volume of TV commercials. Who says Congress doesn't get anything done?" –David Letterman   

"Christine O'Donnell released a commercial in which she says, 'I'm not a witch.' That's pretty good, though not as effective as her opponent's slogan, 'I'm not Christine O'Donnell.'" –Jimmy Fallon   

John Hulse photography

When this recession started, Lindsay Lohan was known for her acting

2010-10-05T16:10:00.000-07:00

"Rick Sanchez of CNN got in trouble. Yesterday he said the networks were run by Jews. And today, Rick Sanchez was fired -- as Meg Whitman's housekeeper." –Bill Maher

"We're now in the longest, deepest recession since the Great Depression. When this recession started, Lindsay Lohan was known for her acting." –Jay Leno

"A Senate has passed a new bill that requires TV stations to lower the volume level on commercials. This is great, a hundred of the most powerful people in the nation have managed to do the same thing my remote does." –Jimmy Fallon  

John Hulse photography

Introducing the masturbation prevention act of 2012

2010-10-05T16:07:00.000-07:00

"Today we found out that a third college that Christine O'Donnell said she attended has no record of ever knowing her. I'm starting to wonder if she ever really went to Hogwarts." –Bill Maher  

"I feel bad for my part in this, and then the feeling passes when I imagine her in the Senate introducing the masturbation prevention act of 2012." –Bill Maher  

"Meg Whitman, our own candidate for governor of California, is running on a platform that's as tough as nails on illegal immigration. We found out this week she had an illegal immigrant working in her house for nine years. Today Meg Whitman said she's willing to take a lie detector test to prove that she didn't know that she had an illegal alien cleaning her house. You know what, if we wanted a governor who swears they have no idea what's happening in their house, we'd move to Alaska." –Bill Maher  

John Hulse photography

A follower of the bearded radical from the Middle East

2010-10-03T04:38:00.000-07:00

"Yesterday President Obama told voters that he's a Christian. But you see how Fox News reported it? They said Obama admits he's a follower of the bearded radical from the Middle East." –Jay Leno  

"The good news is that scientists have found a giant Earth-like planet, and it may support human life. Whatever you do, don't tell British Petroleum." –David Letterman  

"BP announced earlier today that they have created a new Safety Division for offshore drilling. In related news, General Custer has just hired a lookout." –David Letterman  

"Goldman Sachs has a new ad to show what the company does. Isn't that what the recession was for?" –Jimmy Fallon

John Hulse photography

The ad lasted a minute longer than he did

2010-10-03T04:33:00.001-07:00

"Republican Senator Tom Coburn said yesterday that Christine O'Donnell, if elected, will be able to combat the stupidity in Washington. So I guess they're going to fight fire with fire." –Jay Leno  

"It's getting very nasty in Louisiana in the Senate race down there. The Democrat that's running has a two-minute TV ad about Republican Sen. David Vitter, which features the hooker that Vitter paid $300 to. It's a two-minute ad. And here's the embarrassing part for Vitter: the ad lasted a minute longer than he did." –Jay Leno  

"South Dakota Senator John Thune says he's talked to his wife about running for president in 2012. And of course his wife had the same question that we all have: 'Who are you again?'" –Jay Leno  

John Hulse photography

because Oxford's rugby team is called the Fighting Masturbators

2010-10-03T04:30:00.000-07:00

"Until last week it said on her online profile that she attended Oxford University, which of course one of the most prestigious colleges on earth. Stephen Hawking teaches at Oxford, Rhodes scholars go there. She didn't go to Oxford, which is a shame, because Oxford's rugby team is called the Fighting Masturbators. That's their nickname because they always choke." –Craig Ferguson  

"Christine O'Donnell didn't go to Oxford. It turns out she took a class from something called the Phoenix Institute, which happened to be renting a classroom at Oxford. That’s like saying you're a TV star, but really you're just on CBS during the middle of the damn night." –Craig Ferguson  

"I understand why Christine would want people to think she went to Oxford. Oxford has produced some legendary politicians. Margaret Thatcher, Tony Blair, Bill Clinton went to Oxford. I'm sure Bill would remember Christine if he saw her at Oxford. 'Hey baby, I hear you're a witch. You want to ride my broomstick? Because if you don't, I'll do it myself, and that would be wrong.'" –Craig Ferguson  

John Hulse photography

Tea Partiers are checking to see if 'Born in the USA' is on the list

2010-10-03T04:25:00.001-07:00

"After a lot of speculation, the Chinese government has decided not to change its one-child policy next year. In a related story, China just renewed its most popular show, 'Jon and Kate Plus One and That's It.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama has listed the songs on his iPod. The Tea Partiers are checking to see if 'Born in the USA' is on the list." –Jimmy Fallon

"Christine O'Donnell was caught lying about her educational background. She may not believe in pleasuring herself, but she thought her resume needed massaging." –Craig Ferguson  

John Hulse photography

the best and the worst job I ever had (poem)

2010-09-28T17:46:00.000-07:00

the best and the worst job I ever had

It was the first week of the
first Gulf War
and we were headed to the Jewish Community Center
in Berkeley.

When we arrived it was my job to patrol
the outside gate
and wait for
crazy men with bad intentions
who might want to open up
on the synagogue
with an AK-47
or
with a load of explosives strapped to
their chests
or inside their cars.

My job was to make sure
they didn’t get through the front gate.

The hours passed
as the rabbi’s continued
their lessons
in peace.

Baruch atah Adonai, Elohaynu, melech ha-olam, she-asah neeseem
la-avotaynu ba-yameem ha-heim ba-z'man ha-zeh.

(Blessed are you, Lord, our God, king of the universe, who performed miracles for our ancestors in those days at this time.)

I wondered what my mother
and father back in Indiana would
think of their son now,
staring straight ahead
wondering what
the next moment would bring.

For two weeks I patrolled outside
the synagogue
without incident.

The same time in Israel,
suicide bombers
killed 6 and wounded 17.

I prayed for a return to the peace
of the cornfields. I was alive,
and it was time to go home.

John Hulse

The story I wrote that got my phone tapped by the NSA. (A true story)

2010-09-28T17:40:00.000-07:00

The story I wrote that got my phone tapped by the NSA.

Feds confiscate 9 year olds Playstation 3. Attorney General John Ashcroft talks of treason.

Mr. Stanley Jorgensen was relaxing last Saturday morning when he heard a commotion that sounded like a large door had been blasted away. He ran toward the sound of the explosion and found that his front door had been destroyed and several armed men were standing his living room waving a search warrant in his face. The armed men were not burglars, gang-bangers or terrorists. They were agents of the FBI’s home defense force, and the warrant wasn’t for drugs, guns or espionage. The FBI wanted Mr. Jorgensen’s son Billy’s Playstation 3.

What put the Attorney General on the trail was a videotape that sources say made it all the way to The White House. The content of the tape was said to be of a football game played between the New England Patriots and the Indianapolis Colts. What set this Madden 2002 game apart was the rosters of both teams. What so enraged the White House was the fact that characters were created named George W. Bush and Osama bin-Laden and both played on the same team. White House spokeswoman Karen Blazer said, “We cannot condone the actions of the young man (Billy) and have left it up to Attorney General Ashcroft as to what charges will be filed.

Staffers who heard about the tape said that the Bush character was the quarterback and apparently did not have his best game. The final score was reported to be Indianapolis 56, New England 0. The president was appalled to hear that he completed only 12 of 41 passes for 116 yards and 4 interceptions. He was also sacked 11 times. What further infuriated the president was that five of his twelve completions were to wide receiver Osama bin-Laden. A comment from the Under Assistant Secretary of Defense was that, “the only thing that the president would ever throw at that (explicative deleted) was a grenade, not a football.” It has even been rumored that the president was watching the videotape when a renegade pretzel nearly gave the world President Dick Cheney.

Attorney General Ashcroft wanted to know how Bush and bin-Laden could wind up on the same team. A nervous 9 year old told the FBI that his Uncle David had created several characters by reading something called The U.S. News and World Report. After the characters were created the young man hit a control called Fantasy Draft which randomly sent all created players to their new teams. The boy’s parents are calling it a bizarre coincidence. The Attorney General was not impressed. Ashcroft said, “We are contemplating sending the boy back to the Taliban where he obviously belongs.”

Mr. Jorgensen said he had proof that the player selection was random.

Mr. Jorgensen, “Just look at who else is on the Patriots team. Abraham Lincoln played a terrific game at the tight end position. And who could possibly take seriously names like Travis Enron, Lucious Superfly, Ron Jeremy, Rufus Sinclair and Dick Cheney.” White House officials complained that it wasn’t even a fair contest. The Patriots offensive line had to be the smallest in league history, “Kenneth Lay played Right Guard and couldn’t weigh more than 160 pounds and Left Tackle Scooter Libby weighed maybe 175 with full pads and helmet. Besides, they continued, everyone knows that Dick Cheney has a bad heart!”

Ashcroft wants to move on the case fast while the boy is still afraid and more inclined to talk. From his dark cell Billy could be heard muttering, “I want to go home. Mommy! I want my mommy!” If it’s left up to Ashcroft home may be a one-way ticket to Guantanamo Bay.

John Hulse

58 percent of Tea Party members now believe Joe Biden is a Muslim

2010-09-28T17:37:00.000-07:00

"Bristol Palin has denied rumors that she's dating The Situation from 'Jersey Shore.' If The Situation becomes Sarah Palin's son-in-law, he'd still have the most normal name of any boy in the family." –Jimmy Fallon  

"At the UN, President Obama called on other countries to help us track down and eliminate radicals and extremists. But they told Obama, 'Hey, the tea party is your problem, buddy.'" –Jay Leno  

"These Tea Party groups are very conservative. In fact, 58 percent of Tea Party members now believe Joe Biden is a Muslim." –Jay Leno

John Hulse painting

Either he's lying or Snooki's a lot older than she's telling us

2010-09-28T17:34:00.001-07:00

"They're giving up on their tax cuts for the middle class until after the election. Have they seen the polls? Planning to do this after the election. This is like a condemned man asking for a doggie bag at the last meal." –Bill Maher

"Sarah Palin was considering running for president, until she heard it was a four-year deal." –David Letterman  

"House Minority Leader John Boehner says he has never been in a tanning bed and that he gets his dark complexion from his mother. Either he's lying or Snooki's a lot older than she's telling us. " –Jimmy Fallon  

John Hulse painting

They could not talk Lindsay Lohan into a rum and coke

2010-09-28T17:30:00.000-07:00

"The Republicans released their 'Pledge to America.' It's 21 pages of phony charts and bad ideas. Sarah Palin got a copy, and she said, 'How am I supposed to fit all this crap on my hand?'" –Bill Maher  

"The Democrats, these pussies, are unbelievable. They are giving up on their tax cut for the middle class until after the election. They have the worst salesmen in the world. They could not talk Lindsay Lohan into a rum and coke." –Bill Maher  

"It was a very good week for getting absolutely nothing done in Congress. They Republicans blocked the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. We thought this was going to be a done deal. I don’t know what their problem is with Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Even if it is repealed, there will still be a major American institution where gays are still forced to hide in shame and secrecy: The Republican party." –Bill Maher

John Hulse painting

If she's elected she'll cast a spell on health care

2010-09-24T12:42:00.000-07:00

"So two years ago America broke up with you, because you had badly mistreated her. And you come back rapping on our door, hat in hand, and you say, 'Baby, I know you love me. But if we get back together, I pledge to you, I promise you, I will still try to f*ck your sister every chance I get.'" –Jon Stewart, on the GOP's new "Pledge to America"

"You know Delaware is running a witch, her name is Christine O'Donnell, and she wants to be the Senator from Delaware and today she promised if she's elected she'll cast a spell on health care." –David Letterman  

"Last night on Fox News, Sarah Palin said she would run for President, if nobody else steps up. Which explains why today, nearly every person in the country announced they were running for President." –Jimmy Fallon

John Hulse painting

The powerful hand lotion lobby has endorsed her opponent

2010-09-24T12:39:00.000-07:00

"As you know, Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell has come out against masturbation. Well, she is already paying a heavy price for taking this stance. In fact, today, the powerful hand lotion lobby has endorsed her opponent." –Jay Leno  

"Here's how you can tell it's autumn, Christine O'Donnell, the witch from Delaware, today she used her caldron to make chowder." –David Letterman  

"In Delaware, they have a professional witch running for Senate, and she said at one time that she actually had a date on a satanic altar. Whoa! I mean, seriously, who hasn't? The date actually took place at Motel 666." –David Letterman

John Hulse painting

I will take legal action against them and their little dog, too!

2010-09-24T12:29:00.000-07:00

"Bristol Palin made her debut on the show and after a lot of speculation, Sarah Palin was not there to see it in person. However, she could see it from her house." –Jimmy Fallon

"Delaware Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell is taking criticism because she once said she dabbled in witchcraft. Yeah, everyone is talking about this. O'Donnell was like, 'If one more person claims I'm a witch, I will take legal action against them and their little dog, too!'" –Jimmy Fallon  

"Bristol Palin is one of the dancers on the show. She got an 18. The judges were pretty nice to her. Her mother, Sarah Palin, said she was going to be in the audience for the first show, but she wasn't. It's not like her to commit to something and back out. But it's otter hunting season." –Jimmy Kimmel

John Hulse painting

She even wants to outlaw beef jerky!

2010-09-24T12:24:00.000-07:00

"This Christine O'Donnell is a very conservative woman. Not only is she against premarital sex, she is against masturbation. She even wants to outlaw beef jerky." –Jay Leno  

"The National Bureau of Economic Research announced the recession actually ended in 2009. What idiots we were! So that recession you think you're in, that's as imaginary as the job you used to have." –Jay Leno

"This is going to be exciting. We haven't had a witch in Washington since, oh, Condoleezza Rice, I think." –David Letterman

He wanted to comment, but he lost his voice, went blind and came down with boils

2010-09-24T12:19:00.000-07:00

"Christine O'Donnell's past could come back to haunt her. Now luckily I have a way to stop this witch hunt. Miss O'Donnell just come on my show and do a simple test. Bind your arms and legs and throw you in the river. If you sink to the bottom and drown, your bloated corpse can march to victory with a clean record. But if you float ..." –Stephen Colbert

"There's a clip going around of this Christine O'Donnell discussing how she once dabbled in witchcraft. Have you heard about this? Although she says she never joined a coven. Never joined a coven? Hey, what do you think Congress is?" –Jay Leno  

"Well, you know what's interesting, Christine O'Donnell said she dabbled in witchcraft, and her opponent, Democratic candidate Chris Coons, he had no comment. He wanted to comment, but he lost his voice, went blind and came down with boils." –Jay Leno  

John Hulse photography

Christine O'Donnell: The total package

2010-09-22T17:03:00.000-07:00

"If you've got a Google news alert tuned to Republican party, witchcraft and anti-masturbation, you are probably sick of hearing about how Tea Party favorite Christine O'Donnell clinched the nomination for Senator from Delaware." –Jon Stewart  

"Christine O'Donnell is like an east coast Sarah Palin or a less slutty Rachael Ray or like a non-masturbating version of former Delaware Senator Joe Biden. That's right, Biden. I just said you ride the Amtrak, if you know what I mean." –Jon Stewart  

"Nation, I've have been a diehard supporter of Delaware Republican Senate Christine O'Donnell ever since I learned of her existence last week. She is a dynamic, conservative Christian who believes masturbation is adultery. And fellas she's single and will condemn you for masturbating. The total package." –Stephen Colbert  

John Hulse photography