"George Bush Sr. recently said he'd like his son Jeb to be president, but that right now is a bad time for him to run. When asked what a good time would be, Bush Sr. said, 'Eight years ago.'" --Conan O'Brien
"First Lady Laura Bush has signed a deal to write her memoirs. We have an advance copy right here. It's called, 'Another Book My Husband Won't Read.'" --Jay Leno
"As you may have heard, New Mexico Gov. Bill Richardson announced this weekend that he is withdrawing his nomination to be Commerce Secretary because of a grand jury investigation involving some of his political donors. And once again, President Bush, not really following this story. Like, when he heard there was a problem with the governor of New Mexico, he said, 'Well, he should be deported.'" --Jay Leno
"Hey, congratulations to Gov. Sarah Palin's daughter Bristol, who had her baby. They named the baby Tripp, which is better than the name Sarah Palin suggested. She wanted to call the kid Joe the baby." --Jay Leno
"By the way, First Lady Laura Bush, Laura Bush is writing a memoir. The name of the memoir, I believe, is 'I'm with Stupid.'" --David Letterman
"The Secret Service has unveiled a new state-of-the-art limousine for Barack Obama. A million dollars for this state-art-limousine. Meanwhile, today, John McCain closed a deal on a used LeSabre. But the limousine is massive. It's a three ton, it's a tank-like vehicle, or, as GM calls it, it's a compact." --David Letterman
"Hey, did you see this in the paper? In an interview with the Washington Times, Vice President Dick Cheney said he is not a big fan of rap music. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I was stunned by that. Actually, I'm surprised. I mean, look at the guy. He gets driven around in a limo, surrounded by bodyguards, shot a guy in the face -- he is a rap star." --Jay Leno
"And President-elect Barack Obama has now named former Clinton Chief of Staff Leon Panetta to be his director of the CIA. But a lot of senators are criticizing this, because they say Panetta is not an intelligence professional. You know, like President Bush." --Jay Leno
"Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama talked about the recession. He described the economy as 'very sick.' That's what he said. Yeah. Historians say it was a childish way to describe a complex problem, but still the smartest thing they've heard a president say in eight years." --Conan O'Brien
"Congress was sworn in this morning, and USA Today says that the average age of the members makes it the oldest Congress ever. Yeah, which explains why today, they passed three bills and four gallstones." --Conan O'Brien
"Actually, there was one awkward moment, when President Bush asked all the other former presidents, he said, 'Don't you hate it when your approval rating goes below 15%?'" --Jay Leno
"You know, President Bush keeps giving interviews about his eight years as president. Earlier this week, he said his greatest accomplishment ... was his effort to privatize Social Security, even though he never actually did it. That's President Bush. Isn't it? Your greatest accomplishment? Well, there aren't any. But if there were, by golly, here's what it would be." --Jay Leno
"And you know, I think he's trying to struggle to come up with some accomplishments. They're trying to make him look good, you know. Like today, he took credit for ending the drought in New Orleans." --Jay Leno
"The Washington Post reports today that Barack Obama wants to select Sanjay Gupta to be surgeon general. Yeah, Obama said the CNN doctor must be pretty good, because he's kept Larry King alive all these years." --Conan O'Brien
"It was an historic day in Washington, as all four living presidents and our president-elect had lunch together at the White House. Presidents Clinton, Carter, both Bushes, and Barack Obama sat down to share a meal. President Bush was especially excited. It's his place, and when the guys all walked in, he said, 'Hey, you're the guys from the paintings in my office!" --Jimmy Kimmel
0 comments:
Post a Comment