In Alabama, a house call is when the patients drive their house to you

"President Obama has another nominee in the news. That's right. President Obama's nominee for surgeon general is a doctor who practices in rural Alabama and still makes house calls. Can you believe that? Of course, in Alabama, a house call is when the patients drive their house to you." --Conan O'Brien




"The U.S. government has issued a warning to builders not to use a Chinese drywall because they say it's defective. The Chinese government denied this and said, 'Hey, if there's one thing we know how to build, it's a wall.'" --Conan O'Brien


"California lawmakers still trying to close the state's massive budget deficit, so they're now talking about saving money by consolidating all the state agencies into different groups. By far, the most controversial proposal is for a Department of Education, Firearms and Alcohol." --Conan O'Brien




"As I watched Sarah Palin’s press conference, I realized finally we have a candidate for the people who loved George Bush's certainty but were bothered by his rationality and executive experience." --Jon Stewart, on Sarah Palin's resignation



John Hulse painting

Gosh, that doesn't sound like the Dick Cheney I know

"So now it turns out that Dick Cheney, while he was Vice President, had a private deal going with the CIA. He goes to the CIA -- and those guys are pretty good at keeping a secret -- and he goes to the CIA, and he says, 'Boys, this will just be between you and me. We're going to run our own antiterrorism program. You and me. Don't tell Congress.' Eight years this was going on. And when I heard this, I said to myself, 'Gosh, that doesn't sound like the Dick Cheney I know.'" --David Letterman




"Very secret operation, went on for eight years. Nobody knew anything about it. The only thing they knew was that it was called 'Operation Hunting Accident.'" --David Letterman


"People in New York are especially excited by Judge Sotomayor because she comes from the Bronx. In fact, Judge Sotomayor famously presided over the landmark New York City case, Shut Up vs. No, You Shut Up." --Conan O'Brien





John Hulse painting

Mississippi state motto: "Are you going to finish that?"

"I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, but in this country, people are getting fatter. But now, to add insult to injury, or injury to insult, they have isolated the fattest state in the United States. Yup. Mississippi. And I thought, well, this is no surprise. You know the state motto of Mississippi? Right there on the flag, it says, 'Are you gonna finish that?'" --David Letterman




"You know anything about -- we had a guy in town, he's gone away to jail now for 150 years -- Bernie Madoff? And now the U.S. government has started trying to find out about his wife, who had, like, $87 million. And she kept saying, now this is not money that Bernie swiped. This is not -- this is not money that he swindled. This is not swindling money. You see, this is money I saved by switching to Geico. They said, 'What?! That's -- how is that possible lady?'" --David Letterman


"But Ruth Madoff-- listen to this -- Ruth lost her house. Ruth lost her house, lost her car; has lost her savings. I mean, I'm telling you, it's like being a Bernie Madoff client." --David Letterman





John Hulse painting

Thank goodness for coke dealers

"Najwa is her name, Najwa, and she said they had a lovely wedding. Friends got together and tied tin cans to the back of their camel." --David Letterman


"Oh, by the way, President Obama is in Italy attending the world summit, the G8 summit leaders. And meanwhile, in Arizona, Senator John McCain sat on his porch waving at cars." --David Letterman




"I don't know if you're following this, but earlier today, in Vatican City, President Obama had a historic meeting with Pope Benedict XVI. Or, as Fox News is reporting it, 'Obama Caught With Old Man in Dress.'" --Conan O'Brien




"But General Motors announced that they are out of bankruptcy after selling nearly 10,000 Camaros. At a press conference, the head of GM said, 'Thank goodness for coke dealers.'" --Conan O'Brien



John Hulse painting

Sarah Palin may be getting her own TV show

"Latest rumor in the entertainment industry is that Sarah Palin may be getting her own TV show. Experts say it will be perfect for TV viewers who find Paula Abdul too coherent." --Conan O'Brien




"Sarah Palin no longer governor of Alaska, and it looks now, like she may get her own television program, you know. And I was thinking I don't know, she seems pretty camera shy." --David Letterman




"But here's what I can tell you about having your own TV show. Sarah, if you're watching, and you get a TV show, you gotta be very careful what you say on the air, because you can get yourself into a lot of trouble, okay?" --David Letterman




"Now how about this guy? That Osama bin Laden, what a guy. And turns out now his first wife -- and he had, like, 30 or 40 wives -- well, his first wife has written a book about being married to a bin Laden. And she says that she suspected the marriage was in trouble when he told her he was going for a hike on the Appalachian Trail." --David Letterman



John Hulse painting

Tina Fey says she might run for governor from Alaska

"Anybody here from Minnesota? Congratulations, you have a brand new senator, our old friend, Al Franken. Al is an interesting guy. Went from being a comedian to politician. George Bush, the other way around." --David Letterman




"A lot of entertainers are getting in to politics. For example, Tina Fey says she might run for governor from Alaska." --David Letterman




"President Obama is at one of the G-8 summits in Italy. Meanwhile, Senator John McCain, who ran for president against Obama, is in Arizona, heating up a can of Chef Boyardee." --David Letterman




John Hulse painting

USA 114th happiest country in the world!

"In a recent study, the United States was ranked the 114th happiest country in the world. Then Sarah Palin stepped down. Now we're at 17." --Conan O'Brien




"Since resigning as governor, many say Sarah Palin is now going to spend some time working on her memoirs. Alaskans are saying they can't wait to start reading Palin's memoirs and then quit halfway through." --Conan O'Brien




"Senator John McCain says he's been using Twitter to share his opinions on this year's Major League Baseball All-Star Game. Apparently, no one has the heart to tell McCain that he's been Twittering on his garage door opener." --Conan O'Brien





John Hulse painting